Champagne. Apparently the ‘G’ is silent. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never won the lottery and been forced to pose with a bottle of it from behind a big fat wobbly cheque. Nor am I a Formula 1 driver who uses Champagne to wash himself and his rivals in the age-old homoerotic tradition.
Michael Carroll, labelled by the UK tabloids as the ‘Lotto Lout’ is arguably the most infamous of lottery winners and one of the most famous bin men. (There doesn’t seem to be many famous bin men, its essentially just Carroll and 2005 X factor runner up Andy Abraham.) Best known for blowing all of his £9.7 million as the self-proclaimed King of Chavs, Carroll was asked how he felt about losing his fortune. He said ‘I didn’t lose it. I spent it. I had a great time doing it.’
Prostitutes, cocaine, ASBO’s, a prison term and over 30 court appearances later, it’s fair to say that Carroll properly ‘Charlie Sheened’ his money up the walls. However, its worth noting that despite winning all the way back in 2002, Michael Carroll is still the last lottery winner that was even remotely interesting to hear about.
Countless heavy set couples have sprayed Grand Prix juice all over our newspaper pages in the years since, banging on about how they used to work in a supermarket or how they can’t wait to spend their winnings on a divorce etc. etc. Yawn! Bring back the nutters from Norfolk, throwing cheeseburgers at pedestrians from their super cars.
In the interests of Lottery winners being vaguely news-worthy again I think a new stipulation should be introduced to the rules of play: Eccentric winners only. We should be quizzed prior to entry on what we would do if we won. If your response is similar to that of the vast majority of winners:
‘Oh well I think we’ll pay off the mortgage…erm maybe go on a holiday? Put some into savings you know?’
Then there will be no novelty oversized clown cheque going to you my friend! You are no longer allowed to play. You’re just too dull.
If however, your response is something along the lines of :
‘Well if I won I’d be straight on the ebay to buy myself a full suit of armour and never take it off. I’d also get me a load of cats and paint them to look like all the different pokemon.’
Then congratulations, you are in tonight’s draw!
I can’t abide by people who say things like ‘If I won the lottery, I’d still go to work. I’d miss everyone’
Bull. Shit. Darren from H.R.
If you won the lottery Darren, you would return to work just one more time. You would limp into the office, still tender from the penis enlargement surgery you’d have treated yourself to and invite everyone to watch you flip them the bird as you simultaneously popped a deuce on the manager’s desk. And don’t pretend otherwise.
I play the People’s Postcode Lottery. You know the one with the annoying advert ‘Someone’s knockin’ at the door! Somebody’s ringing the bell!’
I don’t know why I play it though because as a general rule of thumb if you aren’t my family, friend or a postie, I don’t want you anywhere near my front door. That Rolf-Harris-Wobble-Board of a cheque had better say at least 30k on it if you’re expecting me to be filmed in my pyjamas, dancing on the front lawn with Jeff bloody Brazier.
Still…fingers crossed.
This blog is a collection of the nonsensical musings of a scruffy dreamer.
I’d like to connect with comedians, comedy writers and other aficionados of the ridiculous.
bennyboygoddard@gmail.com
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