Soak Up The Shinrin

Shinrin-yoku is the ancient Japanese art of forest bathing. ‘Shinrin’ meaning Forest and ‘Yoku’ meaning bath. I wouldn’t say I was fluent in Japanese but what with those two words and all of the Pokemon that I can name, I could probably order us a couple of drinks in quite comfortably.

The term began knocking about as a form of therapy in Japan in the 1980’s and has since gained popularity the world over. Extensive scientific research has been carried out to support what Homo-sapiens have strongly suspected for a while now: Trees are good. Be around trees.

But before you nip off up the woods with a luffa. Let’s take a look at how to do this properly, after all Forest bathing is no walk in the park. (I mean it is, literally that, but still…)

Its not just about meeting your personal care needs behind a tree. Its more than that. It’s about consciously connecting with your surroundings and engaging all of your senses.

If you see a tree (which hopefully you do otherwise you’ve fallen at the first hurdle) don’t just walk past. Why not run your fingers across its trunk, paying particular attention to the gnarled indentations of its bark?

Or give it a lick.

Notice the dried, fallen leaves and how they scrunch beneath your bare feet. (Forgot to mention – removal of footwear is an absolute must just like in a regular yoku.)
Perhaps you’ll come across a dog egg. Don’t just walk around it, try poking it with a stick and flicking it at a friend. Its all about the engagement.

Eat a conker, kick a squirrel, soak up the shinrin.

For legal reasons I must remind you that indecent exposure is a significant risk here. Forest Bathing sits somewhere in the middle of a scale between tree hugging and dogging. I’ll leave it to your good judgement to know where that is. (Word to the wise: Maybe wait till you get home to trim your pubes yeah?)

In short Forest Bathing is good for you because science and because you’re a human. So why not give it a try today? If you’re nervous just start small with a Bush Stripwash.

This blog is a collection of the nonsensical musings of a scruffy dreamer.
I’d like to connect with comedians, comedy writers and other aficionados of the ridiculous.
bennyboygoddard@gmail.com

Whack Kettle On

‘A true warrior, like a teabag, shows his strength in hot water’ – A Chinese Person

If you want to be an absolute legend in the workplace, and let’s be honest, who doesn’t? Then there is one simple question to ask your colleagues that will massively increase your chances of being awarded such an accolade: ‘Shall I put the kettle on?’

If your colleagues are anything like those I have worked with in the past then you should be met almost unanimously with cheers and applause and perhaps even the odd fist bump/high five depending on the demographic of the team. You, my friend, have just become a genuine contender for ‘absolute legend’ status. Plus, if you’re workforce is large enough you can now legitimately bunk off work for about 20 minutes to get this job done whilst simultaneously being a bit of a hero. Importantly though, you do have to then follow through with the act of actually making the drinks for everyone, not just revelling in the glory of the moment, getting side-tracked and going off the boil while ironically waiting for the kettle to boil. (Darren) No one like’s a Hot Beverage-tease.

Now I am a Tea man myself. I drink tea a lot. If you cut me, I’d probably bleed tea, but since my body is operating at a measly 37 degrees Celsius, it wouldn’t taste very nice. (But don’t come complaining to me about it, maybe you shouldn’t go around cutting people in the first place and they’d make you a decent cup yeah?) In all honesty my daily fluid intake consists exclusively of: Tea – AM. Coors – PM. Oftentimes if the conversation is flowing and the banter is on fire then I drink Coors into the very early AM too, but then straight back to Tea till noon.

I’m not going to spark debate here about correct tea making etiquette. I don’t wish to get into that age-old argument about whether one should put the milk in first or last or any of that because I’m sure there are already enough books on the subject. (I assume largely unread and unloved – don’t get any gift ideas Mum) Crucially though, I am doing my best to remain impartial and accepting of all in my writing. Hand on heart, you are all more than welcome to pull up a pew in my imaginary café. It goes without saying though that if any of you barbarians rock up and put the milk in my tea before the water, I will go full Steven Seagal on your face.

Interestingly I can’t stand Coffee. I treat eating a bag of revels like a game of Russian roulette. Many a trip to Cineworld has been tainted for me by one of those bitter little gits. (I was quite enjoying Magic Mike XXL before my snack choice sullied it.) It is important though, in the interests of trying to be a good human person not to exclude Coffee drinkers within your workplace when offering to put the kettle on. They can’t help their god-awful breath.

My personal preference should you wish to make me a cuppa one day:

• Locate and use my favourite purple and white mug. (See Photo)

Difficult to source, I know,  I think I have the last two remaining cups of their kind in the U.K. I brought them from Wilko in about 2004. This unassuming item is in the Goldilocks zone of drinking vessels. Not too small like Chip from Beauty and The Beast and not too big like those ghastly Sports Direct novelty plant pots. It doesn’t coordinate with any of our kitchen décor and that only makes me value it more highly.

• 1 x Tetley Tea Bag. Not decaf, I’m not weird.
• BOILED water. Don’t palm me off with that ‘Oh I just boiled it’ nonsense. I like to watch the Kettle actually jiggling along the counter mere nano seconds before I pour.
• 2 x sweeteners. My preference being ‘Hermesetas’ mini sweeteners not least because its a fun word to say in a thick Mexican accent. Please only administer two. I admit it can be difficult to tell if the tiny tablet has plopped in as it doesn’t make much of a splash but don’t just keep clickin’ away willy-nilly to make sure. Once you get four or five of those things in a mug its like trying to drink a cake. (I honestly don’t know how proper grown ups drink tea without any sugar or sweetener at all. I’ll give it a go when I get as old as them.)
• A decent dash of milk. I don’t mind, skimmed or semi-skimmed or even whole milk if it’s all you’ve got in the fridge. Don’t feel the need to nip out to the Spar on my account. But if you come near me with any of that almond/oat/soya milk etc. I will have to make my excuses and leave. Its like I always say: ‘If it ain’t come from a nipple, I don’t want a tipple’

• And stir.

(Note to self: Fact check – do almonds have tits?)

This blog is a collection of the nonsensical musings of a scruffy dreamer.
I’d like to connect with comedians, comedy writers and other aficionados of the ridiculous.
bennyboygoddard@gmail.com